"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
I really like you. So does my wife.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
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