An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
You are the object of my preposition.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
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