What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Go to BabaMail
