I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Metaphors be with you.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
The ocean made me salty.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Who’s your paddy?
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
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