What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!

When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"

Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.

What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.

How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.

How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!

When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!

What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?

Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.

Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart

Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”

Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.

“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.

What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!

Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.

You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.

I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

You shamrock my world.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops

Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!

My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.

Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.

What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.

If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.

Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.

You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove

What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.