"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
I can sea clearly now.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
"You bake me crazy."
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Writers have great climaxes.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
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