How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
I could never Passover you.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I would love to show you first class.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
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