What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Hello there, how do you brew?
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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