What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
There’s no trick in these pants.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
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