Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Your mausoleum or mine?
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
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