What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
It’s party thyme.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
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