What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
Get clover it, babe.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
You’re unbeleafable.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
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