How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Water you doing?
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
You are my density!
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
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