Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
All clover the world.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
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