How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
"I make pour decisions."
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
In on the ground flora.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
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