“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
I think my heart just lagged.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Drink happy thoughts.
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