Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
when I’m with you.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
It’s worth a shot.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
I could never Passover you.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
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