How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
I hope for world peas.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
"Having a good hare day."
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
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