What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
I think we're mint to be!
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Here comes the sun of my life
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
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