How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
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