The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
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