What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
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