Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley

“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets

What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.

What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!

Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference

Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.

On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor

"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand

Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!

Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What do cars play at the weekend?

Golf.

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman

“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown

You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.

"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown

What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.

Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.

I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.

How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.

Time to celery-brate.

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis

Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!

What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown

The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.

The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.

What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.

It was pretty foggy outside today.

I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.

Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.

"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan

I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.

What's in the middle of Paris?

R.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.