What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
"Partners in wine."
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
You knead me in your loaf.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
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