I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
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