What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
Your lab or my lab?
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
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