What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
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