“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
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