What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
I feel tail great!
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
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