“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
You dropped something. My jaw.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
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