What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
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