You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
One trick peony.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Sip, sip, horray!
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
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