Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.

"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown

Let’s list the froze and cons.

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.

Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.

How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.

When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!

"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.

I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class

Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?

What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?

“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.

A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.

What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.

I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!

Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!

What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”

Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?

Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.

A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”

How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.

"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke

"Great minds drink alike."

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.

When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.

Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."

Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.