Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.

Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!

What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.

What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.

One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.

What runs but can't walk? The faucet!

What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.

What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!

I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.

I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.

Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!

My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.

Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?

We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.

I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.

At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.

The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.

Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!

"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."

What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur

If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.

"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."

- Amy Schumer

Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.

What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Rock was magma before it was cool.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra

What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”

Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…