I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Octopus ocular optics.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
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