why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
I’ll never fir-get.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Icy what you did there.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
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