What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
Say it ain’t snow.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
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