What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
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