I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
I have the final sleigh.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
The best stretches are partner stretches.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
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