“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
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