What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
You’re my soul Santa.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
You are one well-defined function!
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
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