Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
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