Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.

Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home

What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.

What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!

I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.

I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.

Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.

How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.

Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.

This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

It's a-boat time for a holiday!

What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!

“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

My lobster's name is:
Claude

“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark

A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.

How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.

You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.

Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.

My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.

Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde

How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve

Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.

What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.

What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.

“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”