How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Treat yo'elf.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
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