"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.

What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.

How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.

What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.

How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?

When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.

Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.

Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.

What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!

What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!

Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!

What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.

Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now

How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.

My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!

Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.

My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!

Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.

My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.

Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.

Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.

What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.

The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?