I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
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