Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
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