The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
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