“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
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