“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
He threw three free throws.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Have you botany plants lately?
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
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