What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
I Ecuador you.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
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