Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I have a heart-on for you.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
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