What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
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