"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
"Just one hot chick."
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Go to BabaMail
