“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Someone said you were looking for me.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
One trick peony.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
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