What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Something’s goat to give.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
Dublin’ the fun.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
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