What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
I find you very a-peeling.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
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