I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
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