When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
I love you deerly.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
You have goat to be kidding me.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
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