You've stolen a pizza my heart.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Irish you luck.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
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