It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Dublin over in laughter.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
You’ve been working too yard.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Want to be workout buddies?
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
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