The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
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