I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Air resistance is a real drag.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Go big or go gnome.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
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