How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Shave a single shingle thin.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Go to BabaMail
