If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?

What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason

The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.

Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.

[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.

Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.

How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.

Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.

What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.

What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.

Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!

How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.

I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.

“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer

What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!

What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.

Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.

I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.

My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.

What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.

You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.

My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!