Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
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