“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
I can sea clearly now.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
"You had me at merlot."
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
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