What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
He threw three free throws.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Here comes the sun of my life
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
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