Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
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