Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Yule be sorry.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
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