Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Life is better when we stick together.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
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