Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
We make a great pear
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
I’m fondue you.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
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