Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Namastay here or come home with me?
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Go to BabaMail
