"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.

Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?

My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.

Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.

I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.

What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"

What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx

What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.

What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."

Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.

You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.

What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.

What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.

I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall

As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"

I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.

“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.

What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.

The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous

"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.

What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad