Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Up to snow good.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
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