What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.

What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.

What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.

From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby

I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.

If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!

"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."

I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.

Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."

What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.

This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.

I have a great relationship with my mother… land.

Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.

Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.

What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.

Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.

When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.

I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.

What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial

What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.

People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.

Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.

What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!

Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”

“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Needle.

Needle who?

Needle little love right now.

When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.

How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.

It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.

Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life

What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”

What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.

Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?

I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce