Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
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