Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
That’s a-may-zing!
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