What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Say it ain’t snow.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
You sweep me off my feet!
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Irish you luck.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
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