"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
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