A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
We are perfect balance for each other.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
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