My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
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