I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
This summer is going swimmingly.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
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