Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Werewolves love their fast food.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
You had me at cello.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Love me till ice cream.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
I have a heart-on for you.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Go to BabaMail
