“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
"Eggs-cuse me."
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
They say everything gets better with age.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
I call the shots.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
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