How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
I want to stretch with you.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
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