Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
I have bean
thinking about you.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
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