What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I always have a souper time with you.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
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