Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
"Happy eggster."
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
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