Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Trowel and error.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
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