Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Avoid pier pressure.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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