So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Don't even chai.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
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