“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
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