I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Do you comma here often?
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Love at frost sight!
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
"I don't tan. I burn"
Go to BabaMail
