What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
"Here for the right riesling."
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
You’re Isaacly my type
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