Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
I’m soy into you.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
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