Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
In the eyes of the lawn.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
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