Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
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