Do you believe in love at first flight?
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
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