Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Books are my kind of texts.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
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