I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
This foundation is rock salad.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
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