If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Don't get tide down.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
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